“I think seeing photos of you and another girl dancing and kissing in a Swedish euro trash club is where I draw the line on still being friends on Facebook.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to post those. It was just a bulk upload.”

[EMOTIONAL enters]

EMOTIONAL: Was he dropped on his head as a child? I’m not being funny. Seriously. Ask him.

“Glad you had a good time. Looked like fun.”

“Thanks! It’s a really cool city.”

EMOTIONAL: Oh I’ll bet it was.

[BEAT for awkward silence.]

[BEAT for the desire to say, “I hate you.”]

[BEAT for the desire to say, “I miss you.”]

“So how are you?”

EMOTIONAL: Oh, for fucks sake.

“We don’t need to make small talk, really.”

“I know, I know.”

EMOTIONAL: No he doesn’t otherwise he wouldn’t have done it. God damn wet chicken nugget.

[LOGICAL enters]

LOGICAL: What does that even mean?

EMOTIONAL: Who invited you?

“Funny, she kind of looks like me.”

EMOTIONAL: NOW we’re getting somewhere.

“Excuse me?”

LOGICAL: What is wrong with you? Stop being so damn passive aggressive and move on.

[EMOTIONAL shoves LOGICAL out twelve-story window]

“Congratulations.”

LOGICAL (off stage): Fucking smooth.

“I’m not sure I understand.”

EMOTIONAL: I’ve got this.

“Just proves you’ve moved on, I guess. Congratulations.”

“Well, since the whole seeing you with your ex thing, I’ve just been in a bad state. Drunk me thought it would be a good idea.”

EMOTIONAL: So Andrew posts an Instagram photo of us at Meghan’s birthday dinner, and you decide to get drunk and hook up with some Swedish meatball to get back at us?

LOGICAL (off stage): Wait what? I can’t hear!

EMOTIONAL: Just come up the fire escape. You’re annoying me screaming from the street like that.

LOGICAL (off stage): Are you going to push me out the window again?

EMOTIONAL: Fine.

[LOGICAL enters]

“Really glad you had a good time on your trip.”

LOGICAL: Hang up the phone hang up the phone hang up the phone.

“I got drunk all weekend in some weird rage. I didn’t have sex with her. It was a drunken kiss.”

“These aren’t things I need to know.”

EMOTIONAL: You’re damn right these aren’t things we need to know!

“I know it’s not a reason or excuse, but yeah.”

EMOTIONAL: NO SHIT.

LOGICAL: We haven’t even spoken to him since the birthday dinner, have we?

EMOTIONAL: I don’t think so?

LOGICAL: But even if we were to talk to Andrew, it’s none of his business.

EMOTIONAL: Can we tell him we talked to him anyway?

LOGICAL: No.

EMOTIONAL: Why did I let you back in here?

“I haven’t spoken to him since the birthday dinner.”

EMOTIONAL: You are the bane of my existence. You know that?

LOGICAL: Yes.

“I know I can’t even say this slightly, but I’m glad. You deserve better. Miles better.”

EMOTIONAL: Like who, like you?

LOGICAL: Calm down.

EMOTIONAL: I will not calm down! Are you listening to this crap?

“Spare me.”

LOGICAL: Ugh.

EMOTIONAL: I don’t want to hear it.

“I was nauseated.”

“You were nauseated?”

“Yes.”

“That’s funny.”

“Excuse me?”

EMOTIONAL: You heard us!

“Last time I checked, I didn’t post photos of me making out with some random in Sweden!”

LOGICAL: This is a train wreck.

EMOTIONAL:  Then look away.